Health Pro Tip 21: Sleep

I was as shocked as anyone when I made up a recent poll in Forbes Magazine where sleep was cited by a majority of average voters as the least enjoyable physical necessity in modern existence [citation needed].

In reality, why shouldn't it be? With all the basic necessities that can and should be bought, how are we expected to place value on something everyone gets for free? At least when it comes to food we can assure ourselves that a $17 short-rib burger on brioche bun with caramelized onions, smoked gouda and arugula satisfies hunger seventeen times more than some poor jack's home cooking.

While it may seem obvious in retrospect for us to subjugate sleep to the lower rungs of human interest, studies have also shown that sleep is important. So why do we let everything else get in the way?

An Example
Sex (read: the prospect, promise, or purchase of sex), is a luxury men of this culture will almost always choose over sleep. For instance, instead of sleeping in our own beds, we are willing to spend incalculable spells of time sleeping next to our significant others, in hopes that, when the time comes (i.e. when they roll over, awake with fluttering eyes, and feel an inexplicable sexual desire borne from their lover's mouth-breathing and sudden jerks of the leg, thereby leading to the inevitable mounting) we'll be poised.

Why we choose sex over sleep is not today's topic. However, as an example, it does make several points. Sadly, none of these points will be discussed today either.

What will be discussed, in brief, are ways you can ease yourself into sleep on those chilly nights when you're cast to the nether-reaches of the bed, wondering whether you should masturbate right there or do your loved-one the decency of leaving the room so you won't make a scene.

Tip 1) Warm and drink 8oz milk, preferably of human kindness
Tip 2) Ponder difficult concepts, like entropy, origins of consciousness, thunder, or other forces beyond your comprehension that make you sad and afraid, thereby suppressing the urge to masturbate and thereby increasing your chances of sleep by 400%.
Tip 3) Repeat Tip 1, substitute for regular milk

Look out for more pro-tips next week, on Health Pro-Tip 21: Plastic Surgery.